Big Ball-tic Brand – What LiAngelo and LaMelo Can expect in Lithuania

LaVarr Ball sends his boys to Lithuania; He actually might be onto something

Ball Brothers, I did not come here to praise you, I came to bury you. As soon as I read y’all signed with a small team in a town called Birštonas in Lithuainia, I thought your pops had thrown y’all’s life away. And he might have. But after reading up on the town, I ain’t gonna lie. It looks pretty dope.

Now, I was laughing about this along with everyone else when I read about the signing on Deadspin. In fact, this comment responding to LaVarr doing his boys wrong by sending them to Eastern Europe made me laugh out loud for realsies:

I’ve actually been thinking about this. This is terrible for these boys. My father was never nice to me, but he didn’t send me to Siberia. It’s kind of sad.

But Birštonas ain’t no Siberia. Not by a longshot. The team itself, called BC Priena and/or BC Vytautas seems to be a mess, having moved to Birštonas from a nearby mall town called Prienai recently. And it’s struggling financially.

But Birštonas looks pretty charming. In fact, I read that the team currently doesn’t have a General Manager. So, just throwing this out there:  I’m willing to take that job with no salary in exchange for room, board and safe passage for my two dogs and myself.

The town does have an awful Holocaust history, as do many small town in Eastern Europe. But these days it’s a quaint hamlet of just under 3,000 people that’s known for its pure mineral water, spas/resorts and curative mud treatments. Back in the 15th Century, it was the vacay spot for Eastern European royalty. It’s far from the armpit of Eastern Europe I had described it as in my original headline before actually jumping down a Birštonas Google rabbit hole.

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Egles Sanatorium in Birštonas

The team apparently still plays in Prenai, so I’m not sure how that works. But from what I can tell, y’all will be playing in its capacity 1,500 Prienai Entertainment and Sports Arena. That’s a far cry from the crowds y’all would have played in front of back home at UCLA, as was the original plan.

Don’t get me wrong. This doesn’t seem like a very good idea. I think y’all need a chance to mature as ballers and men before signing to play professionally anywhere. Who wouldn’t? It just doesn’t seem like a good trajectory for a kid without a high school diploma and his brother who just got  stone cold busted stealing shades in China. I’m just saying the town ain’t a shit hole. It could be fun if y’all play your cards right.

A GM and his dogs could be happy here

But if y’all don’t, and a Ball brother gets arrested in a foreign country for the second time, can you imagine how off the charts insane the president will go on the Twitter? That shit will be live af.


I mean, if the nightlife in Vilnius is good enough for JCVD…

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