Christmas Light Shows: Five Heavy Metal Yuletide Masterpieces

These Christmas Lights are Metal AF

Christmas lights can say a lot of things. Mostly they’re supposed to spread holiday cheer and generally create a certain Christmas ambience. And most of them do. That’s nice and all. It’s especially nice if you’re a teenager experimenting with hallucinogenic narcotics for the first time. Regardless, they’re always fun to look at.

But these houses are sending out a completely different holiday message. These lights don’t only say, “Merry Christmas.” They also clearly say, “We have nothing but cocaine and hookers under our trees. ”

One of them kind of also says, “And the hookers are dead.” But we will get to that one in good time.

Here is a look at five heavy metal themed Christmas light shows that you may or may not admit make you want to do some hard drugs:

Metallica Six Song Mix

You obviously have to not only recognize, but start off with, a house that uses Metallica. That’s as metal as it gets. I mean, “metal” is in their name. Also, these elves don’t just do one song. They basically do an entire set.

PS

That guitar elf could easily steal your girl for the night and then forget about her the next day. Those solos are solid.

Metal Rating: As metal as Thor God of Thunder killing, shitting out and re-animating the goats who pull his chariot on the daily.

Slayer_Bob Does it Again with Pantera

The coordination with the drums makes this one special. The lights kind of give the house a living quality, as if the house itself is performing. Which in a way it is.

But the lights make it look like it knows that it is. That scores you some metal points.

Metal Rating: A few hairs away from a Lemmy mutton chop.

That shit ain’t funny, man

Yeah, this is the dead hookers one.

I do not know why a video so awe-inspiring and terrifying was labeled as funny. This house looks like it will melt your soul as your helpless flesh freezes into an eternal cry of despair if you dare step inside. You’re telling me there aren’t a bunch of Clockwork Orange looking motherfuckers inside that bitch slam dancing and stabbing the life out of each other? If you believe that, I want you on my jury one day.

Metal Rating: Rob Zombie wouldn’t walk in that motherfucker unless he was holding his mommy’s hand. And that’s not a shot. Respect that house, yo.

Holy Shit. Is that Fire?

Where to begin on this beauty? HOW ABOUT WE START WITH THE FUCKING FIRE? That has to make the Sandman happy. I also like the shoutout to 97.1, but who needs the radio when we can tune into your house?

Metal Rating: Did I just bite a bat’s head off? Because I feel like I just bit a bat’s head off.

And the Metal Throne goes to…

The fact that it took the participation of three homes to pull this off is a testament to AC/DC’s greatness. Of course, AC/DC’s greatness also gets these guys some free metal points.

The transitions from Christmas colors to solid greens, reds and blues is just phenomenal. This is some Disneyland shit.

Metal Rating: The wall in those three houses with the fewest holes created by someone’s head has 27 holes in it.

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